I am using your wife

USING HIS WIFE..? An already slightly stressed out business man when arriving home received a message from his new Indian neighbor, which read, “Sorry sir, I am using your wife. I am using day and night. I am using when you are not present at home. I am maybe using more than you are using? I confess this because now I feel very much guilt. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies.” This message was too much to accept, so the man blinded by rage immediately shot his wife. A few minutes later he received another message from his Indian neighbor, which read, “Sorry sir, spelling mistake: Wifi not wife.”

Ten key elements of care for the dying patient

Recognition that the patient is dying



Communication with the patient (where possible) and always with family and loved ones



Spiritual care



Anticipatory prescribing for symptoms of pain, respiratory tract secretions, agitation, nausea and vomiting, dyspnoea



Review of clinical interventions should be in the patient’s best interests



Hydration review, including the need for commencement or cessation



Nutritional review, including commencement or cessation



Full discussion of the care plan with the patient and relative or carer



Regular reassessment of the patient



Dignified and respectful care after death

DESERVING A RAISE

Conchita, the Mexican maid wanted a raise and approached the lady of the manor about it.

Grace, the lady of the manor, was clearly not amused and decided to have a word with her about it.

She said, “Now Conchita, why do you believe you deserve a raise?”

Conchita: “Well, Señora, dere are tree reasons why I tink I deserve raise...  De first is dat I iron better dan you…”

Grace: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Conchita: “Jor huzban, he say so…”

Grace: “Oh, really..?”

Conchita: “De second reason eez dat I am better cook dan you…”

Grace: “Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?”

Conchita: “Jor hozban, he say so...”

Grace increasingly agitated: “Oh, he díd, did he?!”

Conchita: “De tird reason is dat I am better in bed dan you...”

Grace, now really outraged and through gritted teeth hissed, “And did my husband say that as well..?!”

Conchita: “No Señora… Manuel, the gardener he say so...”

Grace: “So Conchita, how much did you have in mind..?”

Mijn vader draagt zijn kraag niet zo"

Een jongetje stapte in de bus en ging naast een man zitten die een boek aan het lezen was.
Hij zag dat de man zijn kraag achterstevoren droeg.
Het jongetje vroeg waarom zijn kraag zo vreemd zat.
De man, die priester was, vertelde hem, "Ik ben een vader".
Het jongetje antwoordde : "Mijn vader draagt zijn kraag niet zo".
De priester keek op van zijn boek en antwoordde : "Ik ben de vader van velen".
Het jongetje zei :" Mijn vader heeft 4 zoons, 4 dochters en 2 kleinkinderen en hij draagt zijn kraag niet zo".
De priester, die nu ongeduldig werd, zei : "Ik ben de vader van honderden", en las verder in zijn boek.
Het jongetje peinsde over dat laatste antwoord, leunde toen naar de priester en zei :
"Misschien toch beter om in het vervolg een condoom te gaan gebruiken en je broek achterstevoren te dragen in plaats van je kraag".

 

Wat veroorzaakt artritis?

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS? A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down  on a subway next to a priest. The man's  tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty   bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his  newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to

the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes   arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's   caused by loose living, being  with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your  fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, Then returned to his  paper.  The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm  very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had  arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here  that the  Pope  does."

Carriere in de misdaad?

6 AFFAIRS

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'  She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed..

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'